


The Selfish Raccoon

by adiva_calandia



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Genre: Crossover, Gen, I . . . yeah, Oscar Wilde - Freeform, Pastiche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 11:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2190081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adiva_calandia/pseuds/adiva_calandia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story for children about a Selfish Raccoon who built a wall around his beautiful hideout so that no one else could play there.</p>
<p>With deep, deep apologies to Oscar Wilde.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Selfish Raccoon

**Author's Note:**

> So I was talking with mercuria about Oscar Wilde stories for kids, and . . . this made a lot of sense at the time.
> 
> You can read the original short story [here](http://www.eastoftheweb.com/short-stories/UBooks/SelGia.shtml), if you want context. I don't know if it'll help?

Every afternoon, as they were coming from Knowhere, the less savory elements of the galaxy used to go and play in the Raccoon's hideout.

 

It was a large lovely hideout. Here and there throughout clever booby traps waited for thieves, and there were many unnecessarily huge guns in the armory. There were so many interesting and valuable things that the hideout was quite irresistible, and the looters and Ravagers would often call to each other "How'm I supposed to disarm this?" and "You blow your idiot arms off, don't come cryin' to me!"

 

One day the Raccoon came back. He had been to visit his friend and had stayed with him for several months in a prison because the job went bad in a hurry. After the several months were over he had destroyed eight law enforcement vehicles and a board game store while monologuing, because his friend's conversation was limited, and he determined to return to his own hideout. When they arrived he saw the looters playing in the armory.

 

"What the hell are you assholes doing?" he cried in a very gruff voice, and the Ravagers said "oh frak" and ran away.

 

"My hideout is _my_ frickin' own hideout," said the Racoon; "any one with two brain cells to rub together can understand that, so I shouldn't'a been surprised nobody around here _did_."

 

"I am Groot," said his friend.

 

"You seriously overestimamate these idiots," said the Raccoon. "I ain't allowin' nobody in here but me."

 

"I am Groot?"

 

"Hey, don't put words in my mouth! You can come in."

 

So he built a high wall all round the hideout, and put up a notice-board.

 

TRESPASSERS

WILL BE

KILLED TO DEATH

AND PROSECUTED

 

He was a very selfish Raccoon.

 

The poor looters had now Knowhere only to play. They tried to play on Xandar, but Xandar was very lawful and full of cops, and they did not like it. They used to wander round the high wall, and talk about the booby traps inside.

 

"I bet if we brought in a scanner we could avoid what happened to Eios," they said to each other.

 

"You keep tellin' yourself that," they said to each other.

 

Then the Kree came, and all over the galaxy there were little quarrels and little wars. But in the Selfish Raccoon's hideout, he benefited not at all. Rust came and made itself at home on the guns in their lockers, and Neglect gleefully loosened the trip-wires.

 

"I don't get it," said the Selfish Raccoon, as he looked out the window. "Every stinkin' mercenary in the galaxy is getting' rich but me."

 

"I am Groot."

 

"Fine, you got a cash-flow problem too."

 

"I am Groot."

 

"Leave?! And let those walkin' bags of  _yoraf_ -shit come in here and take all my stuff? Our stuff."

 

"I am Groot."

 

But all this talking did not help at all, and in the Selfish Raccoon's hideout, Rust and Neglect continued to play.

 

One morning the Selfish Racoon was lying awake in bed when he heard some lovely music. It sounded so sweet to his ears that he thought he must be dreaming. It was really only some little Eagles singing, about silver spoons and moons, which didn't make very much sense when he thought about it. "Who the hell's in my hideout?" said the Raccoon, and he jumped out of bed and looked out.

 

What did he see?

 

He saw a most wonderful sight. Through a little hole in the wall the Ravagers had crept in, and they were tripping the wires and pulling guns out of lockers and blowing dust off the trophies. It was a lovely scene, bustling and busy, only in one corner it remained still. It was the farthest corner of the hideout, and in it was standing a little pale man-boy and the Raccoon's Tree friend. The Tree was holding the Raccoon's favorite gun up very high, and the little boy could not reach it. He was yelling about how this was totally uncalled for. "I am Groot," said the Tree.

 

And the Raccoon's heart leapt as he looked out. "What a frickin' idiot!" he said; "why didn't I check that corner? I'm gonna rip off their legs and use 'em to fill in that hole!"

 

So he crept out of his bedroom quite softly, and went into the armory, and disarmed the first ravager by biting his ankles, and took his gun and went into the hideout. And when the Ravagers saw him coming with that unnecessarily large gun they were so frightened that they all ran away. Only the little boy did not run, for his music was so loud he could not hear the Raccoon coming. And the Raccoon stole up behind him and put his gun gently to the back of the boy's knee.

 

"What th--" said the boy.

 

"I am Groot!" said the Tree, and he reached down and picked up the boy and held him out of the Raccoon's reach.

 

"Oh, you friggin' traitor!" yelled the Racoon. "What are you doing, chlorophyll-for-brains?"

 

"I  _am_ Groot."

 

"Are you nuts? 'Savior'? It's frickin' Quill!"

 

" _Star-Lord,_ " muttered the boy.

 

"I am  _Groot_ ."

 

"I don't give a shit that he saved the galaxy!  _I_ saved the galaxy too! That doesn't mean he gets to steal my stuff!"

 

"I wasn't stealing anything!" said the boy. "That gun is mine!"

 

"Not anymore! Finders keepers, isn't that what they say on Terra?"

 

"Oh my  _god_ ," said the boy, "you have six dozen guns and you still want mine?"

 

"Yes!"

 

"I am Groot."

 

"Oh, fine, put him down, all his buddies ran away anyway."

 

"Geez," said the boy, as the Tree put him down. "You are the most selfish raccoon I've ever met."

 

And, well, that was true.


End file.
